hi.

so i have not been blogging for a while. it was for a good reason.

i had been grieving from the inside. for a moment, i thought everything i believed in was wrong, that i couldnt hear from God properly and the lies of the enemies was clouding my head. and everyday, i just live it for that day. things were grey and fighting negative thoughts were such huge challenges. people told me that i'll be ok and i just agreed. i knew i would be but the light at the end of the tunnel seemed so very far away and, the last thing i want, is to let out some of my negative vents on cyberspace (as if we didnt have enough of that already). hence, the lack of blogging. apologise to whoever who still come by. the past month was just pushing myself to go for placements when the only thing i want to do is to curl up in bed and cry. i packed my week with things to do and make sure i spend time with people. i left no time for myself to think and relax. i need to be strong for myself and not get the people around me worried. i just kept telling myself l.i.f.e.g.o.e.s.o.n. and pushed myself. i cried and picked myself up and everyday was just looking forward to the end of the day and hopefully i'll sleep things away. i was operating the numb mode.

God is always in the picture. people told me to pray and worship. i did all of that, but God seemed to push me to the deep side, to not look at my own circumstance and even asked me to serve others. i was still operating the "what-about-me?-i'm-hurting-too" mindset. there wasnt any of the cuddle and comfort that i was expecting, like how i knew he would whenever i'm sad. this time, it was just a lot of tough love and mature teaching. He still loves me, i know. otherwise, i wouldnt have made it to today. i am so thankful for the friends that stood alongside of me. it was them, the little victories and little things in my daily life that i knew God is still real. and no matter how much i want to throw in the white towel, the faintest tinge of hope comes in. and last weekend, my life hit the turning point again.

i was in Planetkids camp.

the Friday morning, i knew that my breakthrough would come. i am believing in the kids' breakthrough and i know in seeing theirs, mine would come. even if it didnt, seeing my kids having a touch from God, would be the victory enough to pull me through.

of course, God being God, always surprises us and going above over and beyond.

i didnt really know what happened, but during worship, God's peace and joy just came and fill from within. i cant quite explained it, an exchange happened.

The sorrow, pain and hurt was replaced with joy and peace.

everything was gone. just like that.

it was swift, it was quick and it was gone. i didnt know how or what exactly happened but something happened. God mended my broken heart and restore the joy of salvation in me. i never knew it could happen instantaneously but it did and i am so grateful. i thought the healing process takes a looooong time, but God did it in a moment.

my pain and hurt was real. but God is real in healing me and mending my broken heart too.

i am ready to be back up on my feet again. (sorry it took a while) but i'm sooo happy to say, I am verrryyy happy now.

and when you see me smiling again, be assured that, the smile on my face is genuine, and i'm not pulling a brave face.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

ps. thank you for all the hugs, emails, texts and calls for the past month.