orignially .. i was gonna post something really depressing and complained bout my life here again .. until ..i was a bit slacked and felt tat hmm .. mayb i should check my mail first and hope that something may lift me up .. and there we go .. i read two!! :)

well ..the first one was a lil about God .. about christianity .. so .. here's the link for those who may be interested ..

http://www.fathersloveletter.com/fllpreviewlarge.html


yup .. the second one i've posted here .. so .. go and read it!! it's really uplifting .. ya .. it did make a difference .. it's amazing how lil things in life that can change ur day :)

well .. for me at least .. from originally ..

i felt so unloved .. so stucked and so sufficated in this place that i seriously need to get out of here and go for a break .. and hang out with people i love and who see me as i am .. who are willing to open up to me .. and a very very pessimism mood .. i read the 2 mailz ... and

it REALLY made a difference..

especially the first one..
i'm not too sure where my believes are bringing me .. but i do believe that there is a God upthere .. somewhere ... and that link .. it's really comforting to know that GOd will always love us ..cos.. rite now .. i really felt unloved .. i felt like i have frens ... but no one to turn to .. i felt like i'm surrounded by people .. but i'm still lonely .. everywhere i turn .. i'm like a lost unwanted pup .. seem cute in the outside .. but dead vulnerable and all i want is just a shelter .. yes yes .. i'm going through a very emo stage now .. turn away and go read some one else's blog ... cos i'll keep blabbering and complaining ..
go .. i'm warning ya ..

GO!
or else u're gonna read about the most ridicule and dark side of me ..




i know i shouldnt be complaining .. cos i'm so much more priviledged compared to so many other kids around the world .. but then ... i felt so drained .. emotionally .. formal is coming .. (prom) yes !! true .. when i'm with people .. i get so hyped and so cheerful and all those .. but when i'm alone ..
no one knows the tears i secretely shed ... on the phone .. or underneathe my blanket ..
no one knows how i hugged onto my softoys and let my tears roll on them ..
i'm not strong .. i hate to admit ..
i'm shallow .. no personality .. and people always say that u should be looking out for the better u in the future ..
well .. i'm looking back to the past. ..
i'm always wondering how did i manage to be wat they used to say last time cos rite now .. i feel tat i'm like a zillion eons away from it .. i'm nothing like it ..
or
am i just being to conscious and had nothing else better to do than to think of foolish silly tots???? *i really wish so*
well .. u cant blame me .. i'm going without my phone for 2 weeks ..
it is just so painful .. (not going without my phone lar!) but doing things that would result in hurting someone u love very very much .. and in return getting hurt .. through my own actions

i just felt like i'm being really kiasu .. i'm not sharing ..
not sharing my knowledge (due to the freaking competition in this environment which i kinda mentioned lastime)
i'm not sharing my food
i'm not sharing my time with frens (cos i spent them all on homework)
i'm not sharing my time with my family i MISS greatly
i felt as if i have a narrow mind and a small heart .. i'm not anywhere near supportive .. and nothing near great ..
i felt as if i'm badly sinned ..
and i always see the faulty in people now .. i'm not commenting on it .. but i just hate how i'm being so shallow!! judging people by their surfaces.. i DUN WANT TO! and i hate how there are people who are so scrutinizing and so judmental.. so patronising and so critical.. (is it a girl school thing to bitch! oh my gosh!)
so much jealousy .. so much greed ... so much unpleasant thoughts tat just randomly came into my head and when i come to think of it .. it really made me sick !
i wanna get out of this ..

i'm searching for the old me ..
i've changed my email .. my phone ... but have i changed myself???
are changes for the better or for the worse??
funny isnt it when u tot tat u'd always been doing so well .. and then .. everything just come crashing into u ..
and winter just simply like to add on its effect on ur misery
darkness just engulf the earth earlier ..
even nightmares occur more often!! (i'm serious!! >.< )
when u tot after years .. u've managed to stand up .. and different .. WORSE things come stabbing you .. not because of others ... but because of the sick mind of urs..

GET OVER IT!!

i hate all these disgusting tots ...


i constantly reassured myself that i am not who i think i am
the positive or the negative way
i've got so much more to learn
i'm not tat smart .. so please please stop all the teasing .. cos it simply puts me off..
i'm not perfect .. so please stop personifying me as if i'm a goddess ..
i've got so much more to learn ...

i'm trying to be a better person.. and i really wanna be one
i wanna reach out .. spiritually .. and emotionally..
i wanna be strong .. mentally and physically fit (loose weight oso)
i wanna dance and sing and scream my lungs out!!!!!!!!
i wanna learn how to lead my own life .. live my life for me .. not for others

and i'm definately thankful for everything i have ..
u know wat?? every morning .. when i wake up .. i see the sun rising .. (if i made it tat early lar) and that could just make my day!! and i really thank God for it!
every night before i sleep .. .. now ... i pray
i pray for the broken hearted .. i pray for the ones i loved.. i pray for love in the world and i count my blessings .. and thank God for each and everyone of it .. i pray for a better and happier tomorrow ..
and if i still could get a wish granted ,
i'll probably wish for the same thing again.. ( as usual.. hehe .. those who know wat i always wish for know wat i'm saying)

oh ya .. maybe i should pray for a bigger heart .. to love and to give more .. *making mental note to myself .. yup! i'll do that!! :) *

but yea .. i'm just being really emo .. and i like how after i blog . my mood somehow becomes better .. like after giving out a blast .. the weights were removed .. though the true problem still lies .. yet .. it feels ... GOOD! .. at first i was gonna type ... "it would be better if i get a response" haha .. but then .. i tot .. hmmm .. nah .. i've gotta learn how to not expect anything in return ..

in the search of my true real identity .. i'm probably just a typical teenager going through all the other shit that others had to .. probably they HAD already been through .. well ..sorry .. i'm abit slow and blur .. but u cant blame me rite?? *haha .. guess i havent changed alot afterall!! haha *


so ...
today shall mark the moment .. as i set out .. and journey on the learning process to be a better person...
to be ME !






*sorry guys .. this is an awful long post but congrats and thank u for making to the end... appreciate tat! hehe ^.^

please know and REMEMBER that i will always love you no matter wat..
and i'll always be there for you when you need
just like how you are there for me
cos i believe in FRIENDS FOREVER*