DEATH AND AFTER

i couldnt believe how much actually tat i am affected by it! REALLY!!! >.< today my housies and i attended liz's granduncle, uncle jimmy's funeral. he was a kind and generous man, invited us to have dinner at his place prior to our moving in and even allowing me to make MY OWN ice kacang with his very own ice-shaving machine. those with him was a mere accquantance, but the thought of someone you know passing over can be quite .. perplexing. why? cos i'm sad, happy, worried, thankful, intimidated, unprepared, spinning in thoughts, tearful, comforted, disturbed, shocked, hopeful and uncertained.
Come on! it's death and separation we're talking about here!

Knowing tat he has gone to heaven comforts me and i'm glad that he is truly at a better place. At times, i really want God to take me there too.. but tat's such an embarassing selfish thought. what about others? dont they deserve a chance to know Jesus and knowing how to get to heaven? - through the Son of God- but anywayz .. i was utterly swimming in my seas of thoughts during certain parts of the service. you know? i was wondering..
What will happen during my funeral?
Will people cry?
Who would be there?
Who will deliver the eulogy?
What are they gonna say?
What will happen to the people i love?
What if someone close to my heart is taken away?
What will my response be?
Will i be able to take it?
Where will they go?
Am i accountable for them?
What can i do to make a difference?

At that very moment, i cried out to God, God, have mercy on the those who havent gotten to know You. I just cant bear loosing them eternally. God, i dun wanna just loose them forever and please save them.

Last night i was talking to my neighbour. he commented, "life's short. live it." yes. indeed it is. well .. he was actually trying to get me to drink but .. nope.. i'm a good girl!! hahahha *proud*. anywayz.. i was standing in church, some very far distance away from the casket, looking around at the family members and frens.. as they spoke, tears were rolling down and sniffing could be easily heard. not just that. you could hear the sound of memories reflecting, you hear the sound of people missing their beloved fren and you could note that some part of the family's life is taken away..

seriously, what is grieving? what is it to loose someone? i never really understood. i thank God tat this is the first funeral that i formally attended from the very beginning of the service to the very end.
for me, if pictures could capture it, i would say it's the breakout of tears behind shut doors.
it's the crying out to God not in complaints, but in praises, for putting that special someone in our lives
it's the expression on your face when your heart just shatters in disbelieve but knowing that it has become a fact.
it hurts and no matter how hard we try to cover it, it reveals itself.

during the service, liz broke out into tears. daniel, being the loving brother reached out to her, placing her close in his arms. looking at them from a row behind, my heart was SO touched and it was shattered. prior to tat, i had tears in my eyes during the eulogy. yet this moment of brother and sisterly love was the one thing that warm up my heart when i tot tat it was harden and cold for.. well not crying during funerals? i know it's dumb but it was my first time attending one k?

our journey back was filled with complete silence. no one knew how to break it. it was solemn.
only till we reached home tat i realised tat liz's granddad passes away too. only then tat i realised why she cried. i was in disbelief and though i'm no way close to it, but i can imagine her pain. i hugged her tight. tat poor girl and i went up to my room.

i couldnt understand it myself either but i was crying. i asked God, why so many deaths now? heard of 4 already. i duno wat to do to help liz or how to comfort her but just to pray for her. can someone teach me how to love? really. i feel so bad just shutting each other away in our own area of thoughts. i hate my cowardly self! useless! ISHHH

but yea. just thinking .
life's short. true. what do you do with it tat matters. yesterday urban life watched this video. it says that God will send a few warning signs before letting you go. has it struck you yet? any of these? has it struck you yet before you continue to walk into the path of eternal destruction?

1stly. preaching. doesnt hit you?
2ndly. your conscience. wondering bout hte voice in you? this is it!
then it's a mother's prayer.
tragic sorrowful events. dont wait till someone precious leaves that you realise there's an empty void in your heart.
then Holy Spirit and the cross comes before you places yourself in destruction.

but i mean come on!!! we have feelings and emotions. dont wait till it's too late to realise life is temporary. cherish it! sounds cliche i know. tat's not my main point anyway. what i wanna say is.. dont you realise that there's more to life after death?

actually.. i duno wat i'm saying. but think about it.